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To whomever...

This journal is now friends only.



Please take your spam and shove it up your arse. Take pictures while you are at it for my amusement.



My, I have seen a lot of friends since moving into the new place. It is great, but now I am pretty spent.
Luckily I only have to go into the office tomorrow and then wfh on Friday which I intend on using for study.

In other news, I spent all but $100ish until next payday. Luckily I remembered that I am to get my deposit back by now. I contacted my former landlord and he sent me a check for $1,300 yesterday. Yessssss! Now I can furnish the livingroom!  :D I hope to have a sofa and chair this weekend so that I can actually relax in the livingroom.
Things are quite magical right now. ^___^


Alright, so, I'm thinking again and  of course my panties are yet again, in a bunch.

There is stuff I just don't understand about men, especially those of the in a relationship variety. What I don't understand is, why is it so fucking hard for men to say nice things to their women? What I understand even less is, why the fuck do we stick with men that are like that?
If I had to guess, I would say that the men who act like that are trying to exercise a certain level of control, that by leaving their woman to fish for compliments somehow makes them feel secure; makes them feel like if they treat us poorly (and yes! Neglecting to say complimentary things is not only mean, it's friggin RUDE!) that we'll keep on trying to please them. Look prettier, treat them better than we already do and reduce ourselves to the size of a bean-pole as far as our figure is concerned.

I can't help but feel that this is either a conscious or subconscious effort to make us feel like someone of less importance, so they can keep the upper hand. When I think of how very little I was complimented without having to fish for it, I feel incredibly stupid for playing that game at all. For even letting that person make me feel so flawed. For sticking around as long as I did and allowing my esteem to rot away and for putting so much importance on him. I'm here to say, that shit will NEVER happen again.

If I guy can't at least PRETEND to think I'm the shit, then he's not worth my time. Why? Because when I CARE, even if my Man isn't particularly the shit, I try to make him feel like a God... even if he isn't.

Illusion is what makes the world go around. Reality is what makes it suffer. Sometimes, you just gotta put someone else's feelings above your own need to dominate and "be in control".

I don't see how a relationship could thrive without this mutual exchange. Am I saying lie about everything? Certainly not.
I'm saying, if your woman or man look nice... tell them! If they turn you on... tell them! If you're proud of their actions... tell them! Love em? Tell em. And listen to them... even if you're bored. Try to understand their enthusiasm and be involved.

How fucking hard is that??? I'm completely befuddled. So much so, that I can only see that someone who can't say things to their lover that may brighten their day and serve to lift them up as intentionally trying to sabotage their lover's esteem... period.
That the insecurity of the offender is too great to omg.. allow for their lover to feel good in their presence.

And to all offenders out there or potential offenders, I can tell you, that unless you COMPLETELY ruin the person you are with and strip them of their feeling of self-worth, you will not win, because they WILL wise up and leave your ass.

Now a person could argue, "Well, you shouldn't seek validation from your lover" and to that I say, right! Absolutely! One should be OPENLY APPRECIATED by their lover if they wish to have nice things continue.


Writer's Block: Take me to your leader

If an alien ship were to land in your backyard and choose you as the earthly representative of humanity, what would you tell them about our world? Would you consider going back with them for a visit?

I'd tell them not to bother trying to study or understand us. It's not that we're all that complex or anything. It's just that we're a very slow evolving species and at our current state, their findings would only leave them disappointed.

Hell, I'd go back with them permanently depending on the situation. Though I'd have to take all my loved one's with me :)

Writer's Block: Instant attraction

Do you think romantic chemistry is instant or evolving? Have you ever given someone a second (or third) chance and lived to regret it? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you didn't particularly like or desire at first?

A.) A bit of both. Usually instant attraction fades and if an evolving attraction isn't present, things just fizzle out. But if two people are able to adapt to the instant pizazz fading and evolve, then things should be just fine.

B.) Unfortunately, but those were learning experiences I suppose.

C.) Yes.

Well hello, Earth...

been a while, yeah? So what's new magoo? Ah, not much really. Just sitting around, same-o same-o...

finally got the LOJ costume done... elaborate is a good descriptor.

4th of july again will be spent in S.C. watching the fireworks at my aunt's house. Good time assured indeed.

LOJ is next weekend and I am nervous about the costume staying together... I mean, I expect mishaps of course... there's no way this costume will go through the whole night without being a royal pain in my arse at some time and may possibly just fall apart. Let's just say, I'm expecting the worst and hoping for the best. *le sigh*

Things are okay... okay, things are actually pretty good. Married life with my love is nice though I'm still adjusting to being someone's wife. I'm also kicking royal bukkake at work and not stopping to take names. This is slightly disconserting as it makes me stand out as someone who can actually do something... I'm not sure that I want that title. heh. being someone who can just do the job well enough not to get fired is pretty good by me but unfortunately, I think I've gone up an above the radar and am now effectively screwed. I've put in so much organization last week at work it isn't even funny, my co-workers have their jaw all agape and my VP is loving me on this shift and asked some pointed questions about my willingness to take work home and made comments about how I'm probably way over qualified for my position.. umm yeah. duh. of course I am, but I chose this path for a reason... I'm tired of guillotines, they give me headaches. I've no interest in ruling when my words are meaningless...

A wedding story

Alright, so, you're probably saying something like "Married? WTF?" Heh. Join the club. =]

Constantin and I were married on May 30th 2009 in San Clemente , CA . My Aunt was kind enough to let us hold the ceremony at her beautiful home that overlooks the ocean. Why? Well, because we love each other and had to make a quick choice and we chose one another over our jaded views on marriage.

The next question is probably, “Well, why wasn’t I invited?” The answer is; I would have if I could have, at least the people on my friends list that I know pretty well. Unfortunately, we could only invite a small handful of people due to the amount of room and my aunt had concerns about the balcony holding up; a very valid concern considering she lost a nice chunk of her backyard in a mudslide a couple of years ago.

We didn’t have much time to plan (no, I am not preggers!); we only had 2 weeks, possibly less to prepare. I made the call to my wonderful Aunt and explained the situation. I told her that we were getting married, had thought about doing some cheesy-funny Vegas thing, but both hate Vegas. I asked her if we could hold the ceremony at her house so we could have some nice pictures for his Mom (and of course something nice for us). Well, it went from there. I called my Step-Mom and let her know and she was ecstatic even though she HADN’T MET HIM YET (Neither had my Dad!)!! Ha Ha! Aunt Sandy had and I’m sure she probably told my Mom how nice Constantin is. =]

My sister signed on as my Maid of Honor, and Oscar as Best Man. After working on some details over flowers and cake with my Mom, I realized I was quickly becoming overwhelmed. Working graveyard and planning wedding details was difficult. I decided to pass those duties along to my sister and she happily, okay, maybe not happily, accepted.

It was a very emotional time for me, I found myself in tears almost once or more per day for a number of reasons. I had to process a lot of residual emotional junk; I knew I had to or I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. I had made a promise to myself that if I were to marry again (my first marriage was just blah with me), that I would marry for the right reasons, whatever they were and that the person I married would do the same. I guess I still hadn’t quite concluded what the ‘right’ reasons were. I had to be decidedly decided that we were getting married for the ‘right’ reasons in a real quick hurry. Sure, it was quite obvious that we love each other, kind of a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised what demons will crop up when you’re contemplating tying the knot. Ultimately, I decided- we decided- that getting married because we want to stay together is a pretty darned good reason, heck, maybe even a little romantic… like Romeo and Juliet, without all the death and silly language. =-]

So we wrestled with time and guests and rings and food and drink and blah blah blah blah… And it turned out simply beautiful. I even got me a fancy dress. My Aunt, Dad, Sister, Joey, Violet, Oscar and our master of ceremonies, Elisa really had their game faces on! Thanks again guys should you read this. I’ve worked in a lot of situations that have required quick organization and let me say, you guys made the impossible, possible and we were awestruck. Thank you. :-)

Here was the jist of the day:

1.) Violet armed with her camera came down and saw me while I was sequestered. She took some very nice shots. My Dad met me down there as time drew nearer for the ceremony.

2.) We postponed for 30 minutes and waited for those who were running late.

3.) Joey plays his guitar and sings a song he wrote for us for the ceremony. Instead of the wedding march, I walked down the aisle to a song written by one of my best friends.

4.) My Dad gives me away to my soon to be husband.

5.) Elisa performs a beautiful and nearly flawless ceremony

6.) We kiss after we are announced =-]

7.) Oscar gives a great cute and funny toast speech

8.) My sister gives a wonderful speech and I’m so proud and happy!

9.) We toast

10.)We all drink champagne

11.)We sign formal stuff

12.)We eat the catered Boston Market that did an amazing job and the food was pretty good!

13.)We toss the garter and the bouquet.

14.)We dance our first dance as husband and wife to Billy Idol’s ‘White Wedding’ (thanks sis!)

Constantin’s Mom, Dad and a couple of his friends watched via Skype… God how I love technology!!!

Everything went off incredibly well for there being no rehearsal at all and there being many last minute changes. Thanks friends and family for your support on our fabulous day!

so here it is...

The big secret ;-)


Twas a wonderful day indeed! Better than I expected and the only problem? The wind. Otherwise? A motha fuckin awesome day!!!


And I did and I am.


Depeche Mode in Hollywood

Says it all.